love and (friendship in) marriage

I have often wondered about certain people's marriages. How do they make it work? She's so ________________ and I just know I wouldn't be able to handle his ________________. Do you think people ever say that about me?

I guess that's the best part about marriage, is that it's not any one elses business! The important thing, is to make your marriage your business. The topic for wordful wednesday this week is nurturing love and friendship in marriage. So, as a true researcher of the topic, I googled it! I found an article that had some good questions to ask yourself to see how well you know your spouse. After all, don't friends know all there is to know about each other? Here is a sampling of some of the questions:

I know what stresses my partner currently faces.

I know some of my partner's life dreams.
I am very familiar with my partner's religious beliefs.
I can outline my partner's basic philosophy of life.
I know my partner's favorite music.
I can list my partner's favorite three movies.
I know the most stressful thing that happened to my partner in childhood.
I can list my partner's major aspirations.
I ask my partner about his/her world periodically.
I feel my partner knows me fairly well.

The same article had some suggestions to continue building the friendship.

Practice "positive sentiment override." It's easy for marriage partners to become experts at identifying the negative traits of the other person and ignore or minimize the positive ones. Negative sentiment is powerful and destructive to marriage. Research shows that to build a happy marriage, couples need 8 to 20 positive interactions for every negative one.

I remember an article in the Ensign I read on my mission called The Grapefruit Syndrome. It's about a wife's great idea to have each of them make a list of things they think the other person could change. She made a lengthy list, including his annoying way of peeling a grapefruit, instead of spooning it out like everybody else. His list was blank. He couldn't think of anything he'd like to change about her. Wow. Faultfinding is hurtful, but Faultdwelling is destructive.

Catch your spouse doing good.

Have a friendly conversation.

John and I both love to talk, but sometime's the talks come at inconvenient times and I am not so friendly. When I focus on what he's saying and LISTEN, I can tell it means more to him (and me!).

Hold a life story interview.

This seems a little formal, but it doesn't have to be. The other night as I was putting out a new package of napkins (green, for St. Patrick's day) John said, did you use napkins growing up? Because you and Mark (my brother) seem to have a thing for napkins. As a matter of fact my family had a regular habit of using napkins. And now he knows one more little thing about me.

Attend to the little things that show love and friendship. Regularly do things that build love and friendship, such as spending time together, giving gifts, serving one another, offering encouragement, and being affectionate.

I would suggest reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. (There's also one for your kids). John thought it was a little hokie but I found it very helpful to learn how I feel love. Then I could tell him and we're both happy!

The church has a manual for a class called Marriage and Family Relations and there is a lesson titled "Nurturing Love and Friendship in Marriage. It has some great ideas for couples to read and discuss together. One of the points it makes is this:

Keep your courtship alive. Make time to do things together—just the two of you. As important as it is to be with the children as a family, you need regular weekly time alone together. Scheduling it will let your children know that you feel that your marriage is so important that you need to nurture it. That takes commitment, planning, and scheduling” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1995, 86; or Ensign, May 1995, 65).

Remember the word nurture means: To give tender care. The act of bringing up. To further the development of. To supply with nourishment.

It takes work! But like any work worth doing, it won't feel like work when it's something you love doing.

At a recent bridal shower we had the women write the new bride a little bit of marriage advice. Most of it was contradictory. Don't go to bed mad at each other. Go to bed when you're mad...things will look better in the morning. But there was one she can count on for forever...

(paraphrased from my terrible memory, but you'll get the idea)

When he is happy...love him.

When he is sad...love him.
When he is obnoxious...love him.

Any thoughts?