I have been struggling with identity lately. 2014 is a big year, for me anyway, because it marks the anniversary of my 40 years being here on earth. It is staring me in the face and I want to look anywhere but straight at it.
I felt like by 40 I would have lost some of my insecurities, replaced them with a self-assurance that finally feels comfortable. I felt like by 40 I would be dressing better, having better hair, and also not worrying so much about my clothes or my hair. I felt like by 40 I would be able to say the right things at the right time, and be done altogether with PPD (post-party depression). My house would be clean because I would have developed the self-discipline needed to get things done instead of getting distracted by Facebook or real books.
But, these things have not happened and I only have until July, people, 5 months from today to be exact. I am panicking and have been for some time. So many people I know are going back to school, getting jobs, creating jobs, still having babies, and in some way following a dream or a passion of some kind. It seems like everyone I know has a plan and is ambitiously taking the steps needed to achieve their dreams.
I am racking my brain and can think of nothing that grabs me by the heart and gets me excited. I live with John, who gets ideas about what he wants and goes for it whole hog. He gets up early (like in the dark early) on weekends because he cannot stand wasting any time when he could be working in the shop. I have a total case of the jealsies when it comes to that. I want it! But what is it?
I guess for now I will just keep on keeping on, keeping my eyes, and my heart, open.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Who am I?
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4 comments:
I'm glad you're finally having your mid-life crisis :) I was feeling lonely her in crazy town all by myself.
It's funny when you realize you're living your dream and it's just time for a new one.
I wish I had written that post. You say it so well. I hope we aren't supposed to have figured stuff out by 40 because I would be in trouble!
How did we get to be 40?
If it makes you feel better I turn before you and I totally get that. I'm one of those ones that just keeps having babies cause that's all I know how to do (and cause I love them). I'm really too old, so now what? We really should get together again. Every couple years is silly since you live close.
I feel like you're too hard on yourself because everyone else views you as one of those people that has it all together. And you dress cute, but you know I'm always up for a shopping day :) I'm good at spending other people's money! xo
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